Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

Some weeks ago VOX put this constitutionally sensitive question to a panel of Gibraltarians and recorded their imagined answers. Since then others have given thir views and - with this week's election looming - several of the earlier respondents have amplified their earlier remarks, while the Deputy Chief Minister has changed his mind... again.

Chris Riddell

(P.O.Supremo): The strike by carrier pigeons has forced Gibraltar's postal authorities to seek alternative methods of mail delivery. Chickens are numerous and, though less efficient, appear to be the cheapest alternative. At the request of No 6 and in terms of the Cordoba agreement, we have arranged to employ a team of 50 Spanish hens to carry out local deliveries...so, in the next days and weeks, chickens will be observed frequently crossing the roads of Gibraltar. Mail delivery is why. Unfortunately, these birds do not fly as strongly as pigeons so there may be delays in deliveries. Service to P.O. boxes will not be affected.

Daren MCoombe

(Entrepreneur and close friend of the Deputy Chief Minister): That's the £4 million question and one to which I do not have the answer right now.

Joe Bossano

(Chief Minister in waiting): Although chickens are notably stupid, our policy of empowerment guarantees equal treatment for all birds whatever their level of intelligence. This particular chicken was crossing Glacis Road to reach Bayside School on a "practice run" for Thursday's elections, when it intends to cast its vote for the GSD. This is proof that chickens are just as stupid as they are believed to be.

Peter Caruana:

Don't believe anything the Leader of the Opposition says about the bird's voting intentions. Even a chicken wouldn't be that daft. However, I have a very fine carving knife and fork with elaborate silver handles which were presented to me by grateful Spanish pensioners. I also have a Deputy who is a skilled pheasant plucker - Spoonerise that if you wish - and who is capable of transferring those skills to other poultry. Let the chicken cross the road by all means...I and my deputy are waiting for her.

Francis Cantos

(former journalist and spin doctor extraordinary to the GSD Government): I'll get back to you...

Anonymous GSD supporter (found by Cantos for interview s with "7 Days" and another newspaper which relies on Government funding):

Why did the chicken cross the road? Our Chief Minister will know the answer to that. He has the answer to everything. We've waited more than 2000 years for his return, and though his preoccupation then was with fish, there's nothing in the GSD constitution that says he can't switch to finger-lickin' chicken today.

Charles Gomez

(lawyer and independent candidate in tomorrow's election): If you give me your vote, I will put the interests of Gibraltar before those of any individual chicken. I will also put pressure on whichever party forms a government to introduce legislation providing safe crossing points at all intersections used by chickens or any other domestic fowls.

Ken Robinson

(chairman of the Gibraltar Federation of Small Businesses): Unless this chicken has crossed the road to join Gibraltar's ‘grey' labour market or to help the mega-developers attract business away from city centre retailers, too much attention is being paid to the bird and his/ her/or its movements. We should be concentrating on more pressing questions such as; why do WE want to cross the road, or why did WE bother to get up in the morning...

Peter Tatchell

(international gay rights activist and one of Caruana's many critics): The question is undoubtedly sexist as it presupposes that the bird in question was female. Why should it not have been a cockerel...or a capon?

Anne Schofield

(wife of Gibraltar's suspended Chief Justice): The chicken is exercising its inalienable right to freedom of movement and if it wishes to cross the road - whatever its reason for doing so - what right has the Chairman of the Bar Council or the Chief Minister to deny the feathered creature that right?

General Sir Robert Fulton

(Gibraltar's Governor): I doubt very much whether the chicken's movements are a constitutional issue. However, senior members of Gibraltar's leading law firms and members of the Judicial Services Commission assure me that it is, so I have decided to refer the question to a tribunal.

Edwin Reyes

(ex-priest and former trade unionist whose activities as chairman of the Trades Union Council won him a place on the Caruana ticket): If the chicken is not allowed to cross the road, the tarmac will be covered with blood. (Did I read that right, Peter? Was that what I was supposed to say?)

Clive Beltran

(Minister for Housing and Gibraltar's Mayor): The chicken was on her way to be taken off the Waiting List for Coops having been promised occupancy of one of the paper nesting boxes which the Government has planned as part of its pre-election strategy to abolish all waiting lists. Admittedly the new coops do not yet exist - and they may never exist - but the fact that the chicken and others have accepted them means that they can be taken off the waiting lists...and these, accordingly, no longer exist either.

Michael Tampin

(Another trade unionist who says the right' things and does what he is told): I know very little about the pedestrian movements of chickens as my low-rent Government home is on Casemates, where the only birds one sees are pigeons. Was I ever on the housing list? I find that an impertinent question...particularly as we were talking about chickens and the government's policy towards them . No, I'm sorry, that should read "the Union's policy". Personally, I'm all right Jack...and the chicken must shift for herself...

Yvette del Agua

(soon to be former Minister for Social Services): If the chicken encounters any problems while crossing the road my department will deal with it...and by the time we have finished she will not know whether she is coming or going, or ever wanted to cross the road in the first place.

VOGG

Once the chicken has crossed the road, we will be waiting - just the two of us - to welcome her.

Joe Holliday

(Minister with a Multitude of Hats): Whatever I said last time, I've changed my mind since then...unless what I said last time reflects the current line from No 6 - in which case, I am delighted to be able to reinforce my previous argument. And if Peter says that the chicken is in fact a pheasant - or did he mean peasant? - I am ready to do whatever to it, whenever...

Nigel Pardo

(Home-grown property developer with a golden touch):I accept that the numerous heavy vehicles travelling to and from my projects in various parts of Gibraltar may make it difficult for chickens to cross our roads. However, as a dedicated member of the Order of St John, I am not unsympathetic to their problems and, accordingly have asked my brother-in-law (who holds a high position in Government) to discuss with my friend Peter the possibility of awarding to one of my companies a contract to erect a series of bridges which chickens can use to cross busy lanes of traffic.

Luis Montiel

(former representative of someone-or-other-than-the workers in the trades union movement): Forget all this stuff about the chicken crossing the road. What I want to know is why am I always last in the pecking order - in spite of everything I've done for Peter and the Chamber of Commerce in the past? And look, it's happened again in this article. Why? Why? Why?