Transformers

So far 2007 has seen many big blockbusting movies come and pass, filled with amazing special effects, cleverly written scripts and unbelievable tales to dazzle us all but not many have impressed. This year we have been given several sequels to sink our teeth into with Fantastic Four : Rise of the Silver Surfer narrowly improving upon what was already a dire franchise. Spiderman 3 was very good but not up to usual standards, which also reminds me of last weeks review of yet another sequel Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix shortly followed by Pirates of the Caribbean At Worlds End.

It certainly has been a big summer for moviemakers and viewers alike. Transformers has been hotly anticipated to blow all of the previous mentioned films out of the water when it hits our screens. Boasting big names such as the ever talented (or atrociously abysmal, depending on which way you are inclined) Michael Bay (Armageddon, Pearl Harbour) in the directors seat, along side him as executive producer, the mighty Steven Spielberg both proclaiming to be passionate fans of the Transformers cartoon series and toys back in the 80’s. Surely you would believe they would create something that would do it justice and provide the fans with what they’d want and have been waiting for a very long time. As a young boy growing up in the eighties religiously watching the cartoons and losing hours a day playing with the toys I have to admit at being incredibly excited about the release of Transformers imagining how it would look as live action. I was pleasantly surprised...

Sam Witwicky (Shia Lebeouf) is a teenage boy saving up to buy his 1st car so that he can improve his sex life. It just so happens that the car he does buy turns out to be a giant robot guardian named Bumblebee, a member of the Autobots. The Autobots led by their fearless leader Optimus Prime have come to Earth to stop the evil Decepticons and their leader Megatron finding The Allspark, a cube of mass power. Megatron plans on using the Allspark to create a Decepticon army for the extinction of the human race and spread his reign of terror throughout the galaxy. Not the most brain teasing plot to have been created but the story was always going to take a back seat to the multi million dollar stars of the show the Transforming robots. The digital effects used to bring them to life is something to behold and is one of very few areas in which the makers have got it right. If you look past the larger than life special effects and delve a little deeper you will find a hollow vessel.

Being a lifelong fan of the Transformers franchise and a huge fan of the animated Transformers Movie back in 1986, I have had certain expectations for this film and was always going to be disappointed in one way or another. I understand some things from the original cartoons was never going to make it to the big screen and some things would change slightly but I never once expected for the life of me to see the Transformers franchise so blatantly manipulated and distorted into something which is very far from the original concept. I have a list so incredibly long stored in my mind that I could reel off  every single little minute change they have made and why it shouldn’t be but I’m sure most people wont care too much about blue flames on Optimus, Bumblebee being a Camaro, no Soundwave, Devastator being a tank. These things do not matter to people who don’t know otherwise but to the fans it means a lot. Imagine changing the paintwork on the Starsky and Hutch car for the film, it just wouldn’t be Starsky and Hutch would it.  As previously mentioned the story is a complete no brainer including equally pathetic subplots you just wont care about. I mean at one point the military decide to hide the Allspark in one of the dumbest possible places you could ever imagine. Just think, there’s multiple advanced destroying machines searching for this Allspark fighting against several other death bringing robots with weapons galore and the ever intelligent US military decide to hide it within the centre of a major city, obviously not considering the lives of others, very reminiscent of the real life US military. The acting leaves a lot to be desired containing more annoying character performances in any film I have witnessed recently. Sams love interest Mikaela Banes (Megan Fox) is so devoid of any acting skills I’m surprised she got cast but I suddenly realised all she does is provide eye candy for boys with increasing testosterone levels. Defence Secretary John Keller (John Voight) is more cardboard than a cardboard box and then we have the ever cheesy Agent Simmons (John Turturro), Signals Analyst Maggie (Rachael Taylor) and hacker Glen (Anthony Anderson) all do their best to leave the cheesiest taste in your mouth ever. You have to sympathise with them somewhat due to the lacking script which at times can be embarrassing and comical for all the wrong reasons. Throughout the duration of the film we see way too much of the human element and not enough of the main characters the Transformers. There is very little character development involved with any of the robots, we do see the Autobots interact with each other but it is so minimal you wont care too much for them and as for the Decepticons, well there is even less. They are just there to look mean and destroy things on a mass scale. All except for one Decepticon which I have to mention, Frenzy, who is up there with Hollywood’s worst and most annoying characters ever to stink up our screens along side Jar Jar Binks (Star Wars Phantom Menace). To be honest I haven’t even scraped the surface but due to space restrictions cannot fill the entire paper which is a task I could quite easily achieve with the least amount of effort possible. 

Give it up for Michael Bay because one thing is for certain he has been incredibly consistent in his career so far. Surely I do not have to mention the immense tosh of Armageddon, nicely situated by the cheddar flavoured Bad Boys I & II and the cheesy wotsit Pearl Harbour. Thank the lord Ben Affleck wasn’t casted!!! 

Transformers is big, flashy and more than anything else, dumb. If it wasn’t for the franchise it would never have been made and that may have been a good thing. It will impress kids all over the world that is certain. If you are unlucky enough not to have been captured by the greatness of the toys or cartoons then there is a slight chance you will enjoy it but if like me you’re a fan, I suggest you steer well clear of this road wreck so that it doesn’t cause you any harm. My suggestion to all is to get a copy of the animated Transformers film (1986) and see how not only a proper film is made but the true depiction of what Transformers is all about.