The Political Agony Column Dear Peter Richard

Each week Peter Richard, the Sage of Irish Town, replies to readers' questions on the economy, social issues and matters of manners and taste. A prize of ten free copies of the informative "7 Days" newspaper will be awarded each week to the "Star Letter of the Week".

To rise to political peaks you need to wield a stiletto

Would-be MP writes:

Though my friend Nigel wants to be a money launderer when he grows up, and Dennis says he would like to be a mass chain-saw murderer, most of my school mates would like to be policemen or firemen. So would I; but my Dad says that unless you've got relatives with ‘clout' in these services (whatever that means) there is very little chance of getting that sort of job.

When I spoke to my Gran about it she told me that I ought to go into politics, because - "just like that Peter Caruana, you don't know enough to come in out of the wet." The thing is that I don't want to come in out of the wet, I like being out in the rain and splashing in puddles and (if my Gran is right) I suppose that you enjoy this, too...when you're not busy telling the Ministers what to do or going to exciting places like New York or London.

If I am going to be a politician, I would like to be the Chief Minister as my Mum always says it's best to "aim for the top" whatever you do. So I thought if I wrote to you personally, you could give me some tips on how to set about Achieving my Ambition.

Dear Would-be MP,

Whereas your Mother sounds eminently sensible in telling you to set your sights high, your Gran's sense of judgment is plain skew-wiff - We think that's the term that Our daughter uses to indicate the old-fashioned concept of being a bit bonkers.

Becoming a politician in Gibraltar is not easy. You have to join a political party - obviously the GSD is Best, though it is also possible to switch allegiances or even form your own party...as one of my colleagues has done. Then you have to work your way onto the executive committee of your chosen party, becoming increasingly tough  and ever more willing to use a metaphorical stiletto (ask your Mum what that means) in the backs of your fellow party members.

Attaining the post of Chief Minister is even more difficult, though here again the devious skills you have acquired on your way upwards will serve you in good stead - particularly if , when elected with fewer votes than your rival, you can threaten to split the party unless you are given its leadership. From then on, though, it is plain sailing all the way...or at least for as long as you can keep your Ministers cowed and in fear of your ill humours....

Shakespeare did it far, far better

The ‘Sonneteers' write:

There has been some past correspondence in your column about the possibility -  or, indeed, the desirability - of appointing a local poet laureate to celebrate the Rock's high days and holidays, and to extol the virtues of your regime on every suitable occasion. Our little group of politicians manqué who frequently meet for coffee at the Piazza while analysing the direction in which you are taking the country (and who in the past have been enthusiastic supporters of the GSD both with cash and at the polling stations) have recently turned to the works of Shakespeare instead as we recoil in horror at the string of broken promises our (former) party has made and the path down which your egocentric ways and autocracy is leading us away from democracy.

We certainly would not wish to apply - either individually or collectively - for the Poet Laureate's position (and, anyway, if such an appointment were made we suspect that the annual butt of malmsey or whatever would go to a relative of some Government member).

However, jointly wed have  begun to put together a bundle of sonnets - Shakespeare  wrote more than 150 pieces of this verse form - adhering to both the master's iambic pentameters and the traditional rhyming form of the lines such as a bb a, a cc a and a couplet dd. And we thought you might be interested in - though not necessarily like - the first of these, entitled : ‘In remembrance of Peter's promises'. It reads -

Dear Sonetteers,

Whether or not it conforms to traditional patterns, We are no more impressed by the quality of your doggerel than We are by the political sentiments you express. In fact, in the words of the great Queen Victoria ‘We are not amused!' Indeed,   We are only replying to your pathetic effort, to point out that Shakespeare's sonnets may not have been written by The Bard at all but by John Webster (whom T.S. Elliot described as being ‘much possessed by death') thus demonstrating Our excellent command, not only of the English language but of English literature as well.

P.S. to The Editor - We have pointed out to you previously that We will not tolerate the publication of letters from political cranks, or which attempt to mock Ourself and Our endeavours. Should you persist in this sort of subversive journalism, We will have no hesitation in barring all Government advertising from your publication as well as refusing you access to any official Press conferences.

Oh dear! We've done that already, haven't we...?

All they need to know is how to Kow-Tow

Euro-watcher writes:

I noticed in recent Press reports that, when asked by a Deputy to be considered for a Ministerial post, French President Nicolas Sarkozy told him to get a hair-cut and do more exercise to attain a more athletic body if he wanted a post in the Administration.

This set me wondering what changes you would expect from your Ministers before appointing them. One or two of them could do with a bit of tidying up.

Dear Euro-watcher,

We did not see the reports to which you refer; but, anyway,  you should not believe everything you read in the newspapers (other than in ‘7 Days', of course) particularly when the reports refer to President Sarkozy, his wife, or Italian premier Sylvio Berlusconi.

We don't bother about the looks or image presented by Our Ministers - except in the run up to elections -  all that We expect from them is that they never question Our decisions, do exactly what they are told, and touch their forelocks submissively before they attempt to speak to me.

Being catty about coloured nails?

A Local Lady writes:

Over coffee in Sacarello's the other morning, we Mums noticed a young woman come in, each of whose fingernails were painted a different colour - bright carmine, green, blue, blossom pink and so on...Melanie-Jane, who fancies herself as rather avant garde when it comes to make-up and hair styles (she has even been known to have a bright scarlet streak tinted into her blonde hair -  which is dyed, actually, as you can tell from the roots) said she found the nail-varnish colour scheme quite ‘fetching'.

Personally, I thought the over all effect made her look a bit like a hussy; though Margaret-Anne, whose husband is Something Big in finance and who shops for her clothes regularly in Paris...even though they do look like they've come from the Sunday ‘flea market'...agreed that the varnish was ‘tres chic'.

Anyway, the whole matter became rather divisive and - after Alice had threatened to pull out  Nadine's (dyed) hair by the roots - we agreed that we would allow you, with your wide knowledge of everything from loo-paper textures to haut couture, to be the arbiter.

So, what do you think about vari-coloured nail varnishes?

Dear Local Lady,

You do not indicate in your letter whether Alice, Nadine, Margaret-Anne, yourself et al are GSD supporters or  not - though We suspect - from its tone and the fact that you can spend time gossiping and sipping coffee in Sacarello's instead of doing an honest day's work...or slaving over a stove to provide fine, Nigela-Lawson-style meals for your children and spouses, that come election time you make your crosses in the right boxes.

Otherwise, we would not waste Our valuable time replying to you. The fact is that We have given very little thought to coloured nail varnish... or to nail varnish generally. However, We have, on occasion, noticed you women who have painted their nails black...which seems immensely practical and sensible if you are going to get your hands dirty gardening or maintaining motor car engines...

So, you see, We can't really help - though if you are all GSD supporters then, of course, you are ALL right.

If not...and you favour either the PDP or the GSLP, why don't you just get a life and stop fussing about how other people lead theirs or what they do with their nails...